A year post loss

It has been a year, actually it was a year on the 8th, but I couldn’t bring myself to write anything.  I could barely log on to social media or work.  I expected to be fine.  Totally fine.  I didn’t request the day off, I didn’t plan on falling apart.  And then, I did.

I completely fell apart.  It was a culmination of what began on my birthday, was very aggravated by Easter and then I just lost it on the 8th of April.  One year since losing Jason.  One year since my life was dramatically changed, and a loss that will never ever be filled was created in my and my childrens lives.

Angry, I am/was so angry.  Easter I was not invited to my in laws – I saw posts on Facebook all about their family events.  It rang so true that I was not part of this family.  They don’t want me or my children to be a part of their family.  I lost not just Jason, but I lost a whole group of people as well.

It hurts, a lot.

At the year mark it rang so true that no one from Jason’s life is in my kids lives.  Not his friends (who promised multiple times that they would be, that they would take my kids fishing, that they would be there, that they would fill in the gap, or at least try to, the void they have from losing their father).  I haven’t heard from them one time.  In a year, not one time.

Then the good.

I’m getting married, in three weeks!  I have lost so much this past year, but I have also gained a lot as well.

I have a wonderful job, I have a fiance who loves my kids, doesn’t try to take Jason’s place, and is just another wonderful part of our family.  My kids call him by his name, except my 3 year old who calls him “new dad” (which sounds like dodad and cracks me up every time).

I’m not sure how other young widows relate to the feeling of, its not ok to be happy.  Its not ok to move on.  With balancing, we have to be happy, we have to be ok, or else our kids (and ourselves) will all suffer for it.

I’m so excited to be joining my life with someone who I love again.  I feel so upset that I have to do this again.  I only wanted to be married one time.  I said till death do us part, and naively thought that it would be when I was in my 80’s – not my 20’s that we were parted.  11 years of my life cannot just be moved on from.

I have many more years to live, I will not choose to be miserable.  I have chosen to be vulnerable, to allow another (wonderful) person to come into my and my children’s lives.

I’m thankful.  Thankful to have been blessed with not one great love in my lifetime, but two.

Trying to let go of the anger and of the hurt that has come from so many other people with the loss of my husband.  Trying to only look at the positive.  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

To those I have hurt, remember hurt people, hurt people.  To those who have hurt me.  I try so hard to remember this as well.

Its been an entire lifetime in only 1 year.

Jason will always be loved, and will always be a huge part of our kids lives.

I cannot believe it has been a year, I cannot believe it has only been a year.  It feels like a moment, it feels like a lifetime.  I hate the paradoxes this journey has been.

That day, on the 8th, I ended up leaving work (thanks to an understanding Boss) and pulling my kids out of school really early (thanks to an awesome school) and going up Peralta, where we scattered Jason’s ashes.  It was beautiful, I remembered the first time I told him that I loved him.  We were hiking, he had said it already, many times, I was not as sure.  Then with my heart racing and feeling very unsure of myself, I pulled him aside on the trail, I kissed him and said I love you, in a very shaky voice.

His smile, that moment, it was amazing, one I will never forget.  I will cherish it forever.

My first love.  My first life.

I love you Jason.  I am excited to see you at the edge of eternity.