Why Cant Time Stand Still?

SAM_1450

Just for a minute.

I need time to stop. It keeps going. I hurt, and I cry, and it just keeps going. It doesn’t seem like its been 9 months.
It feels like no time at all. It seems like its been forever.

I packed up our home today. The one that was supposed to be our new start, our new beginning. The new us. The home that you were going to detox in and start being mine again.

Life didn’t play out that way. You disappeared the first month of being here, got sicker and sicker, until you died.

Instead of this home being a place of hope and new beginnings, it holds pain, so much pain.

Yet its hard to leave. Part of our dream held true. This place held new beginnings. Truly new beginnings. You’re gone.

There is no more us.

We no longer exist.

Mrs Olsen no longer exists.

Life just keeps going. I have no time to feel. No time to cry. It just keeps moving.

I hate feelings, cant I just stop. I just don’t want to cry anymore.

Every paper, every court document, every love letter. I went through them all today. I was hit by so many feelings like a tidal wave of emotion.

So much emotion. Hurt, Pain, Longing, Love, Hate. All of it.

I miss you, I loved you. I hate you, I love you. You brought so much joy, so much love, so much pain, so much hate. You were so much. You’re gone.

This home, it was supposed to be ours. It never was.

I’m leaving it. I’m leaving this place. The last place where we existed.

Starting over, again.

I just wish time would stand still long enough for me to cry, long enough for me to hate you, long enough for me to love you. Long enough for me to heal.

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