I read an article on mental illness and how putting the decision of care back in the hand of the mentally ill, how it had to be. Particularly how it had to be in the marriage relationship. It resonated so much with me. I hated being the “caretaker” the one who was only able to make good decisions. I had to be the parent. He was sick.
Maybe we are looking at this all wrong. He had to choose, he had to. It couldn’t be me. The more I tried to control the worse he got, the worse he got the worse we got.
I know there are million of articles and studies, that probably say the same thing. I know I was told to leave him. There was no hospital to take him to. No where that wanted him. No one who could fix him. I just wanted him fixed. I wanted him OK. That’s no way to live, that’s no way to love. You cannot love someone while constantly trying to change them. That’s what I did to him. I was trying so hard to change him. I wanted him to not be a drug addict. I wanted him to not need Oxycontin. I wanted him to be someone else.
How can you love someone, always wishing for them to be someone else?
I won’t wallow in regret. There is no benefit to that. I have so many questions, so many what ifs that haunt me. I loved him, I wanted to love him. I wanted us to be us. I wish I could of helped him. I wish he could of helped himself I wish people had not disowned him. I wish people would of LOVED him. He was still a valuable child of God. We all are. We all have made mistakes, maybe not so unspoken, “hush hush” we don’t talk about mistakes, like drug addiction. But we all have them. We all have things we are not proud of. We are still loved. Jason should still of been loved. People should of at least tried to of found a balance between loving him, and not allowing him to manipulate him.
That is what was so hard about the drugs. He was always manipulating. Manipulating everyone around him. Manipulating them for control. I shouldn’t of fought him. I should of just left, let him be, let him change on his terms. I should of quit fighting.
I didn’t and now he is dead. Dead from his addiction. Its so hard not not feel so very guilty. Guilt, its meaningless. Its pointless, it accomplishes nothing.
Yet to let it go…. how do you let something go that you cannot see, that you cannot touch, that you cannot feel?
How do I let something go, that I don’t even know how i’m holding it?
I want to let it go. I want to be free. I dont know how.
My children s father is dead. They cannot ever feel him hug them, he will never speak to them again.
I wish that I would of done everything differently.
Just for the hope he would still be alive.
All I can do, is all I can do.
I can get up, I can love my kids. I can move on. I can work, I can try.
All I can do, is all I can do.
I wish he could of made the decisions. I wish I would of released control. I wish I would of listened. Oh how I wish, and nothing can change. Death is final, it is the end.
People say I am brave.
I was not brave.
I was terrified.
Terrified that if I let him go he would never come back. I held on to him, and in trying to hold on to him and not letting him go, he died.
If I would of only let him go. Let him go, let him go to jail, let him go to addiction, let him reach his bottom and pick himself up. If only, then maybe he would of come back to me. Maybe he wouldn’t of died, maybe…
I say all the time to not live with regret. Yet here I am. I have the worst regret. I live with the worst pain and fear. Fear that I enabled someone, and in doing so, enabled them to kill themselves.
It was the one, the one who I loved the one who I wanted to spend forever with. He was the one. If I would of just given him to God, like so many counseled, if I would of just let him go.
Listen. Please listen. If you are living what I lived. If your partner is controlling your life with chaos, with drugs. LET THEM GO. let them go, please let them go. Give them a chance to find themselves, give them a fighting chance. Dont be me, sitting here with regrets. Wishing that you had only listened and only given them a chance to change. Let them go, maybe they will come back.
It has to be them.
They have to choose.