Broken Girl – Happy New Year 2015

If you want to know what its like to be in a relationship that is being controlled by drugs. No matter what side your on, the one being controlled by drugs, or the one watching helplessly as your spouse is. This pretty much sums it up – Going Under

New years.

New Years is today.

Today is so strange for me.
Last year Jason left again, he left on New years to chase down what he needed to be well.

He was gone for a few days.

I spent a lot of it crying. Praying that this year would be different, the year he finally got well. – he died instead.

Constantly confusing the thoughts in my head, so I cant trust myself anymore.

Things always had a thread of truth, you wanted to believe the lies, but your inner self was screaming Lies.

I still don’t know if I can trust myself anymore.

I made such poor choices before, I allowed my children to witness a drug addicted dad, I didn’t stop it, I couldn’t stop it.

How can I trust myself anymore?

Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you

I’m sure he felt that way about Oxycontin.

He couldn’t see what was real beyond withdrawals. He couldn’t see us through his addiction.

He was in pain, he was tormented. He couldn’t love us.

He wanted to.

My heart breaks for those stuck in addiction.

How dare our Dr.s continue to prescribe such dangerous addicting substances.
Why do we sit by and do nothing, while people are destroyed?

My husband loved me, he loved his kids.

He had hip pain, he went to a Dr. and they prescribed him Oxycontin.

That was the beginning of the end.

They killed him.

They took him from his family.

He chose, again and again.

He killed himself.

He was clean, then went back, clean then returned.

He blamed me.

Go ahead and scream scream at me.

Over and over again, we would scream at each other. I tried so hard to get him to be rational.

It never worked.

He couldn’t see reason.

If he could, he would say what I wanted to hear, then walk away.

Walk out of the room, out of the house,down the street to the Bus to… who knows?
For who knows how long.

I dive again.

Over and over again, he would dive into the throws of addiction.

He didn’t enjoy it, he wasn’t partying, he wasn’t getting high, he was staying well.

He would go insane without opiates.

People have been known to kill themselves from opiate withdrawals, this is a big deal, its not a joke.

There is no help.

The medical community has disdain for drug addicts, they don’t help.

I took him to the emergency room over and over and over again. Took him in twice for seizures.

Never once did they do a scan on his brain, they always just blamed it on his drug use.

He died from a mass on his brain.

Fifty thousand tears I’ve cried – probably more.

Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you, and you still wont hear me.

You are dead. How can you hear me?

All I can hope for is to cause and affect change so no one else is drug under by drug addiction.

So that no other family is destroyed by them.

Why do we keep allowing these things in our city, in our culture?

Why do Dr.s get away with recklessly prescribing addictive dangerous drugs, and then shun the addict they created?

I don’t want your hand this time I’ll save myself. Maybe I’ll wake up for once

I’m doing great.

This year I’m buying a house.

My kids are excelling in school.

I have a job that I passionately love.

One that I keep learning more and more, invaluable tools for business.

I am even dating a man who loves me, and who loves my kids.

I’m doing well, better than I could of imagined.

I want things to change.

I don’t want to just hurt.

I want my hurt and my pain to be a launching pad to change something.

Anything to help even one person so they don’t go through the pain he went through.

Rest In Peace Jason.

You didn’t get to celebrate this new year.

I wish I could say your last year on earth was amazing and that you died living out your dreams. I cant.

The reality is, you died miserable.

All of your friends had abandoned you, your parents had multiple times disowned you, and I was the only one left still by your side.

I was fighting fruitlessly to save you.

I probably made it worse.

I will always be haunted by the “if I HAD walked away, would you still be here,” I don’t know.

I just know that I loved you. I just knew that I had vowed till death do us part.

Happy New Year

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