The First Step

SAM_1549

My husband was abusive.

Its so hard to admit that. So very painfully hard.

He was a drug addict.

He used, and put his drugs and habit above his family, over and over and over again.

He pushed me over and hurt me, more than once.

He lied, cheated, went into rages,
often.

I feel like I’m bad mouthing a dead person.

I feel incredibly guilty over even admitting it to anyone, ever.

I have to forgive.

You cannot forgive someone something if you don’t admit it happened.

You cannot forgive an offence you yourself won’t acknowledge.

I have to forgive him.

He hurt me. He hurt me deeper than anyone. I loved him deeper than I have ever loved. I loved him with everything in me, and he hurt me. He broke my trust, over and over and over again.

I loved him still.

I have to forgive him. In order to forgive him, I have to acknowledge that he was abusive.

Why is that so hard?

Its harder than anything.

It’s hard to admit I allowed myself to be hurt.

Its hard to admit I was in an abusive relationship.

I have to forgive him, and I have to forgive myself.

Forgiving myself.

Even harder.

I have to forgive myself for not being strong enough to stop it. For not being strong enough to leave. For not being strong enough to protect my kids from things they never, ever, ever should of seen.

It’s so hard.

If I just stay in my bubble. The bubble of I lost my perfect, amazing wonderful husband. I don’t have to admit that I too am at fault.

If I just stay in this place, where I am strong, and I’m making it, and I’m OK.

I don’t have to admit that I was in an abusive relationship. I don’t have to admit that some-days, its easier that he’s gone.

If I just stay in my bubble.

But if I stay in my bubble. I will never be really OK. I will never forgive him.
I will never forgive myself.

Instead, bitterness will grow, and when something grows, it gets harder to kill with each passing moment.

No, I have to admit that, I have to. Or I will never be OK.

I was in an abusive relationship. I allowed things that never should of happened.

I will be OK,I’m admitting it happened so that I can be.

I will forgive him.

I will forgive myself.

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