And we keep climbing

I like the analogy of climbing up a mountain in our grief.  Although, there is a false implication that you someday will reach the top.  We won’t.  Grieving is a never ending process.  Not that its a bad thing.  It just is.  I will never get over losing my husband, as in it will always affect me.  Nor do I want to get over it.  I also will never “get over” going through what I did as a wife of an addict.  Do I cry every day? NO!  Am I able to be happy? Absolutely, but its always there, and it always will be.  It has shaped  who I am, and its OK.  You don’t “get over” being in love with someone for over 10 years, bearing 5 children with them and binding your soul to them.  That’s OK.  I don’t expect go a day without thinking about him.  If I do, that will be OK to.  I have released myself of all judgements.  I hope you can too.  Today was an easy climb.  I felt free today, I felt happy today, and was very busy at work.  I keep seeing that there really is beauty in this life.  I think the pain has shown me how beautiful it is.  I think I’m a better person after losing my husband.  I still would change it in a a second if I could!   But I cant so I will take the beauty and joy from it.  Its like the yin and the yang.  You only know how beautiful and lovely something is when you have seen it up against the horrible ugly pain.  I am a much better mother, though one with less time and resources, than I was before I lost Jason.  I am a better and more understanding friend.  I can empathize and understand pain in ways I could not before.  I hope all of you fellow precious people who have suffered your own tragedies can take beauty from it as well.  No, I don’t think its the best, I am in no way saying it is for the best.  I’m just saying, we have no choice in what happened.  We have a choice in how we let it affect us.  I choose to take beauty from it, I choose to be happy.  I hope you do as well.

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