All I Ever Wanted to Do

All I ever wanted to do, ever since I was a teenager was “the right thing,”  I was set on finding out what that was.  I just wanted to follow Gods plan and do the right thing.  When I got married I knew what the right thing for me to do was, I felt that there was no greater calling for me as a woman than to be a wife and a mother.  I threw myself into it, and really thought i had found my calling in life.  I was doing what God wanted me to do.  

Yesterday I took my boys to see Captain America: Winter Soldier.  Captain America said something in the movie that struck a chord.  “All I ever wanted to do was do the right thing, I don’t know what that is anymore”   It hit me, sitting there in the movie theater, like a ton of bricks.  That’s exactly how I feel.  I don’t know the right thing to do anymore.  I feel like I’m spiraling through life, trying to hold onto something, trying to just do the right thing, but I don’t know what it is.  I lost half my purpose, I lost half of who I was.  Now I’m trying to understand who I am without Jason.  Who I still am, even though he’s gone.  Trying to untangle our plans and our dreams.  Trying to see and define what are my plans, and my dreams.  he is no longer here.  

Jasons mother dropped off everything she had of him.  Every picture, every note, every crayon drawing and thing he had made for her his entire life.  She left it with me.  She is dealing by trying to forget, trying to not be reminded.  I cried the rest of today.  I organized pictures, from when he was a baby until now, and put them in an album and Lena spent an hour with “her daddy,” happily.  I’m glad I did it, but it was really, really REALLY hard.   Life just isn’t fair.  Some days I feel like a tornado spinning around and destroying everything in my path.  I get angry and want to yell at people who should be doing things and aren’t.   I just don’t know the right thing anymore.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I’m constantly struggling to find the right thing.  Like I’m 16 again, just praying that God would show me the right path.  Days like today hurt.  

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