I wrote this Sept 02 of 2013 7 months before I lost him. We were struggling. I didn’t share it, because everything is always a *secret* I’m breaking my secrets. I want other people to know they are NOT alone, no matter if they choose to stay or choose to leave. They don’t have to be alone.
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate… Welcome to the dark side. I’m scared and I’m angry, want to know why? Want to know what is making me so angry? Being abandoned, want to know what makes me more angry? Having it happen over and over and over again, and not feeling like there’s a damn thing I can do about it. And now finally what has made me the most mad, is watching my kids get their heartbroken because daddy doesn’t come home when he doesn’t want to. It makes me feel stuck, powerless, angry and then I just sit and cry. I’m done crying. Its so hard to forgive, its impossible to forget. Struggling with the *right* way to handle things feels like there’s a big rock that weighs 2000 lbs on top of me, and seeing even at 7 months pregnant I still only weigh in at 135 I have no chance of lifting it. Then in reality I sit and cry more, and get more angry, then consider how I will provide for my kids emotionally and physically. I’m just mad. Being married to a drug addict sucks. Being married to a drug addict and feeling the weight of “wives submit to your husbands” having read “created to be his helpmeet” and feeling that by not just letting him do what he wants goes against God and the my religion makes me feel like I might as well just jump in the ocean with a bleeding animal because I just don’t have a chance, (sharks anyone? Sorry for my morbid analogy’s…). Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, he goes and gets arrested again. Now I cant even pretend that he’s coming back and going to be the awesome caring responsible man I married 10 years ago. He’s not coming back for a long time, unless I decide to bail him out, which would cost me a lot of money that I don’t have, and not sure is the *right* thing to do anyway. When one parent has decided to not be a grown up and not be responsible, I just don’t have the option of screwing up. No pressure. Life just sucks sometimes, and as much as I try to put my positive, life is awesome spin on it, I just cant at the moment. I even tried to write with sarcasm, no such luck. I probably wont even piss anyone off… dang it, well I did use some morbid analogies, so maybe I’ll manage to make someone mad… No I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your advice, I don’t really want anything from anyone other than to tell all other dads and moms out there who might be feeling like life is to much and they deserve an out or they think they need a break to shut up, go home take care of your family and don’t be selfish. Unfortunately being selfish has consequences. Consequences that start to slide very quickly into severe ones, maybe they wont be so severe as going to jail and losing your family, but they may turn out in the form of a child that hates his or her mom/dad, a divorce from someone you thought you’d love forever or losing all your friends and family, or at least some of them. Don’t be selfish, don’t put yourself first, not ever. Then after all that, find the balance between not being a doormat, taking care of yourself and not being selfish. Have fun with that one, I’m currently attending all kinds of recovery groups ect. Even though, I don’t even want to. I don’t want advice, I just want to have a magic wand that fixes everything. I want my husband back, I want my kids fathers back, I want a normal life. I want my kids to have a father that comes home every night and plays with them and laughs with them and teaches them how to be a Jedi. OK so the Jedi part is optional, but… it would be awesome! I cant have that right now and it makes me angry, and we all know what anger leads to… I do have four beautiful children with one on the way who love me. I do have an amazing supportive family, I do have a good job, I do have things to be thankful for. Right now I’m just angry. Sorry Yoda.