The Pain of Boundaries

I wrote this Sept 02 – also 7 months before I lost him.  I never followed through with my boundaries.  And knowing he was going to die, I don’t know what I would of done differently, I don’t know if I’m thankful I didn’t follow through or upset that I didn’t. Death is a funny thing.  I’m glad I got to see him as much as I did, I’m glad he was living with me when he died, but the *what ifs* maybe he wouldn’t of gotten sick, I don’t know, The autopsy will answer many questions, whenever it finally comes back.   Was he sick because of drugs?  Was their an underlying illness they never caught?  Did he have a mass on his brain that caused his drug problems?  I don’t know.  I’m scared to know.  I don’t want to live with regrets.

                           I’m gonna assume every reader knows my husband is in recovery.  Problem, he’s not really in recovery at the moment.  In fact he’s not been in recovery likely for a couple months.  Leaving me to make all the rational decisions in our life.  We have four kids – and I’m preggers… ouch.  Anyway, doing a decent job if you call decent batshit crazy and having days one end where I cry.  This is just me being real.  Anyone who has watched someone not only destroy their own life but allowed them to emotionally hurt their children can empathize.  I’m done.  I have said that before.  I realize it, but I really am done, my kids aren’t going to hurt because mommy lets daddy come home whenever he feels like it anymore.  Praying he doesn’t get hard time this time, (he’s in jail, again) praying that he decides to go to rehab this time, praying he decides to change this time.  Trying, and saying, over and over and over again that this time, I will be OK, with or without him.  This time, I will be the grown up for my kids, this time, even if it means my baby girl may be born without her father present, she will not have a daddy that does or doesn’t show up at night.  She will either have one that’s there every night clean and sober, or we will be relying on God to be her daddy, cause, that’s all I can do right now.  For anyone reading who has been through a similar situation, my heart cries for you.  Only you understand the pain and heartache of setting boundaries with someone you deeply love.  Only you understand the pain of taking your marriage of 10 years and saying, God I hope it makes it, but if not I will be ok.  Going to visit someone in jail who currently hates you for not rescuing them.  Listening to your kids ask when their daddy is coming home, and why he’s not here with them, celebrating your son turning two without their daddy.  All those things, I can handle, its the hate, the hatred that he has for me right now for not doing what he wants me to do, even if its because I cant.  Its having your other half hurting and wanting so badly to fix it, so badly to get him out get him better and have life be OK, that’s the unbearable pain.  The pain that I don’t get to bury or escape from, the pain I have to face every day..  Now, the happy, tutoring is looking up a little bit :).  I love to tutor, trying to possibly dog-sit for people during the day instead of them leaving their dog in a kennel all day, :).  Still working my at home job, attempting to do craft fairs, and trying to be happy and loving towards my kids and not let them see me cry anymore.  I joined Celebrate Recovery at our church and actually met women going through and have gone through the similar situations.  Knowing that with God all things are possible.  Pray for us, pray for our family, pray for my husband.   i realize this post wasn’t funny, uplifting or really anything other than depressing.  Taking my dog and kids to the park, then maybe life will seem happier :).  Thankfully I know life inst about if I’m happy or not, but about doing the right thing, no matter what, even when its really hard.  The end. 😀  

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