I’m not dead

My husband died.  I did not.  I’m still alive, I’m still here.  Please don’t forget that.  Yes, a large part of me died on the day I lost him.  But i’m still here!!!!  I’m not a couple anymore, i’m a single.  I’m still here!!   I’m finding new friends, a process that is very strange for me.  I’m trying to keep my old ones as well.  My life is changing, I’m changing, its the only constant in life.  We all change.  I was afraid of losing who I was.  Now I know.   My fears were true, of course I will lose who I was.  I was Jason’s wife, I was Mrs. Olsen.  I’m not anymore.  No matter how much I hate that, I’m not.  Now I have to re-discover, and redefine just exactly who I am.  Being married was so much a part of me.   His addictions were so much of my focus.  It’s so strange to not have that anymore. A large part of my focus and who I was  is now gone.  Forever, its gone forever.  I’m not going to try to cling to that.    I’m starting with what hasn’t changed.  I’m still a mother to my five beautiful kids, I’m still a daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, niece, granddaughter and friend.  I’m still capable of impacting our world.  I still can be happy, I STILL LOVE STAR WARS!!!  Lord of the rings, (oh my goodness, greatest book series and movie trilogy EVER!!!)  I’m starting with who I’ve always been. The core of me is still the same.  I’m still God’s beautiful disaster that he loves in-spite of all my flaws.  Please keep calling me, please keep inviting me to “play dates.”  I still have children, they are still who they have always been, but not.  They are still my kids, they are still Jason’s kids, but now they are also fatherless.  It impacts them on so many levels.  I wish so badly I could fix them, to finish the race for them, but I cant.  I can only help them on their journey.  My oldest made a fathers day gift for the last week of school, its all wrapped up, and he gave it to me, while crying.  He said, I got to be his dad and mom now, so he wanted me to have it, I will open it on fathers day.  It was hard for him. It was hard for me.  Its ok.  My children had their school performance Monday.  Jason used to call out their names and yell “Go..”insert name””  It was pretty cool.  No one did that this time.  I thought of it, but, I’m not him.  I cant replace or try to be.  All I can be is the best me, and know that God will take care of the rest.  We, my kids and I, are still here.  We are still taking life one day at a time.  We are still trying to define a new normal.  So much has changed, and so much is the same.  If you lost your spouse, I’m sure you can relate, whether you lost them to death or to drugs.  The difference between the two is, if you lost them to drugs there is still hope.  If you lost them to death, it really is the end, its time to move on, you didn’t die only a part of you did.

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