When you Don’t Reap What you Sow

Life is not always fair.  Actually, it usually ISN’T fair, i’m learning as an adult.  You love people, they often hate you in return.   You help people, they are angry you didn’t do more.  You stick by someone, and they die.  Blunt, I know.  That’s what happened, and I’m angry about it.  Not angry with God, I know he works all things together for the good.  Just angry that it happened.  I was supposed to get my husband back!  I stood by him for 5 years of Oxycontin/heroin/god knows what else addictions!  I didn’t leave, I did the best that I could, I went to church, 12 step groups.  When the going got tough, I dug in.  I poured myself into my marriage, into my relationship with God, into my kids, and didn’t leave.  Even when faced with losing my sister, my best friend, I did what I thought was right.  I stayed.  All because of hope and perseverance.  If I did the right thing, I was going to get the man I married back.  The one that loved me, that would make me laugh when I was mad, that would hold me when I threw a temper tantrum!  (yes a temper tantrum… I had my moments…).  The man that couldn’t wait to be a dad.  I wanted him back more than I wanted to breathe.  I hadn’t seen him in a while, I caught glimpses, glimpses that gave me hope.  Hope that I could indeed have him back.  He was TRYING.  He did not want to be a drug addict.  Oxycontin gripped him like a plastic bag in the ocean.  Sucking him down, drowning him.  But he never quit fighting.  He would go through withdrawals COLD turkey.  Anyone who knows what its like to even witness opiate withdrawals knows how nuts this is.  Sweats, shakes, tremors, restlessness, vomiting, diarrhea, hallucinations.  It was BAD.  He would do it, and stay clean, and be AWESOME, and then something would turn in him, the grip on his heart was to strong.  He’d relapse and disappear.  I would pray, and cling to my kids and to hope.  What a powerful thing hope is.  You don’t even realize it until its gone.  Death is final, its the end.  The end of pain of suffering of heartache, but also of hope.  There is so much hope in life.  You never know whats going to happen.  I clung to hope, believing I would get my man back.  I didn’t.  Life is not fair.  God is still awesome.  I still have hope, just in different things.  If your faced with a suffocating bag sucking you down into the ocean not letting you get up, cling to the life raft of hope.  You have hope, your still breathing.  Only God knows what tomorrow brings, and I trust him, even if tomorrow sucks.

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1 Comment

  1. Pingback: By the book | ThE CLUB NONE WANT TO JOIN

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